Movie Reivew: 'Immortals' won't live long in movie history

Sometimes one wonders if casting calls in Hollywood consisted of the males baring pectorals and the women an ability to look good but not have to have any actings skills. And for directors to have a good visual sense but no idea of what a story it supposed to do.

That sentiment is triggered by the movie "Immortals," currently flickering at the Fandango Galaxy cineplex in Carson City.

The story line, if you can call such a confused collection of events that, is that the bad King Hyperion, Mickey Rourke, (does Shakespeare know about this?) is out to conquer Greece and maybe free the imprisoned Titans. He also wants to get his hands on the Epirus magic bow that like an AK-47 can shot an endless supply of flaming arrows.

Thesues (an actual Greek mythological figure but no relation to his guy) played by Henry Cavill is a kind of Greek Robin Hood who watches Hyperion slit his mother's throat, naturally arousing a kind of anger in Tesus. Mixed in is a cabal of women temple priestess virgins or something, including oracle Phaedra (Freida Pinto, a husky wench not afraid to display a firm set of buttocks but not out there in the acting skills).

Then there are the Greek gods including Zeus (Luke Evans, who seems unsure of his pay grade but turns in a pretty good imitation of a mortal), Athena (the very tasty Isabel Lucus), Poseidon (fast with the trident Kellan Lutz), Amid all this acting there is good old John Hurt, a sort of earlier Zeus who has seen better days. He seems out of company with this bunch of modestly skilled actors.

Well, about the plot. Hard to say what it is, or who is fighting whom at times and why it matters. But everybody involved is pretty energetic and if the sole love scene (including the aforementioned buttocks) seems a bit chaste, don't worry there is enough violence to get one past the dull spots.
And the gore is truly epic, certainly bloodier than any of similar fantasy-epic junk of recent viewings. Heads fly, entrails swing, spears piece, swords do what they were designed to do and everywhere the is blood, including a scene where a captive cuts off his tongue so he won't have to reveal something to old Hyperion, Mickey Rourke is at his bestial best. And then there's Stavros (Stephen Dorff), a slave who joins up with Theseus against Hyperion and company. Kind of a buddy for Theseus and sometimes adds a laugh.

There are no redeeming features here. Well, maybe some of the computer scenes that show the world falling apart deserve note. And that director Tarsem Singh has no hesitation about putting computer effects ahead of story and characters. The visuals are all that a computer could hope for
But never mind. This is a piece of endless fantasy with a mostly moderately collection of actors. Cavill is sufficiently pectoral with the usual leading man stubble, Rourke is at his most evil and lurid, Pinto is pretty. Isabel Lucas as Athena adds a nice touch of beauty to the film. Rate this one as tops in gore and mayhem, with a fantastic collection of facial masks which would serve well at trick-or-treat time, lots of sword and spear fighting and costumes that range from Early Roman Empire to Englis Roundheads.
This is simply a bad movie and anyone who pays $8 for a ticket should feel snookered.
--- Sam Bauman

Cast
• Henry Cavill as Theseus, the film's protagonist.
• Stephen Dorff as Stavros, a cunning slave and master thief who joins Theseus on his quest.
• Luke Evans as Zeus, king of the gods, brother of Poseidon and father of Athena
• Isabel Lucas as Athena, goddess of warfare, battle strategies, wisdom and justice.
• Kellan Lutz as Poseidon, god of the sea and brother of Zeus
• Freida Pinto as Phaedra, an oracle priestess who joins Theseus on his quest.
• Mickey Rourke as King Hyperion, king of Crete and the film's antagonist.
• John Hurt as Old Zeus, an older and earthly manifestation of Zeus and mentor of Theseus.[8]
• Peter Stebbings as Helios, Athenian soldier.
• Joseph Morgan as Lysander, the traitorous Athenian soldier who joins King Hyperion on his quest.
• Daniel Sharman as Ares, god of war, son of Zeus and forger of the Epirus Bow.
• Corey Sevier as Apollo, god of light, art, music, healing, poetry, archery, medicine and prophecy.
• Steve Byers as Heracles, demigod son of Zeus.

Directed by Tarsem Singh
Produced by Mark Canton
Ryan Kavanaugh
Gianni Nunnari
Written by Vlas Parlapanides
Charley Parlapanides
Music by Trevor Morris
Cinematography Brendan Galvin
Editing by Wyatt Jones
Rated R, as if anyone cared, about two hours, not counting credits