Being Well Carson City: School
Submitted by editor on Fri, 08/28/2015 - 4:12pm
The sigh of relief by parents is almost palpable as the children head off to school last week and a return to routine and structure. As the little ones head off to kindergarten for their first day of school, parents watch with mixed feelings of pride, and the bittersweet recognition that he or she is no longer “little” but now more grown up than ever.
Most of us don’t actually remember our first day at school. For those of us who graduated from elementary school and made it into either middle school or high school, we have to assume that we were not overly traumatized by it. But I think it is important to remember that not every child will have a successful first day or second day.
Occasionally, a child will struggle to successfully adapt to the routine, structure and expectations of school.
I received a call from a school teacher earlier this week asking about a young patient who had started off badly last year in kindergarten. What should she expect this year from this young patient? How should she approach and handle him?
As we talked it was clear that she knew of the history of this patient and that the school had let him have his way in order to not upset him and have to deal with his tantrums. I let her know that his behavior had been brought under control and that his parents were once again in charge. I asked her to treat him like any other student whose expectations were that they followed the rules and received the appropriate consequences when they did not.
Late last year the parents of a six year old came for help following an emotional explosion at school. After just a couple of sessions, mom looked at me and said “we have to grow up” meaning she and her husband. I could only nod yes because it is such a powerful recognition by parents when it happens that saying any more is almost too much.
There are many other stories of children struggling with having to comply with the routine and structure of school and follow the rules when they haven’t had to follow the rules at home or there haven’t been any rules to follow.
Establishing a consistent routine and structure in our lives is not the easiest thing we can do.
It means having a useful organization to the way we conduct ourselves every day and it is crucial to our success in life. But, when we decide to take on the responsibility of parenthood, our organizational challenges increase ad infinitum. Only a mathematician could calculate how much more organized we have to become.
In each of these situations the cause or reason behind the parents not setting appropriate rules, limits and boundaries in a consistent structure and routine is understandable, albeit misguided; chronically sick children, hurt children, etc. In each case however, the child took control and acted out in a way that made them feel safe because they were in control.
When they were confronted with rules, limits and boundaries in a structure and routine upon entering school, it didn’t fit with their world and they were not going to take it lying down. But changing course is hard on everyone. And it requires more changes by parents than it does the child. Leadership, which is what parenthood is, means you, the parent, are in charge. And we all know that the best leaders are those that lead by example.
— Kristopher Komarek, LCSW specializes in parenting and family issues and child and adolescent development. Questions call 775-400-2996. He can also be reached through the website www.familywellnesscenter.net. He can be reached via email at Kristopher@familywellnesscenter.net.
