Pine Nuts with McAvoy Layne: Giving Thanks And Pulling Punches

The popular sentiment this holiday season seems to be, "I'm going to save so much money this Christmas by talking politics at Thanksgiving."

Yet there is a larger malaise at work than the political rancor roiling America, and that is the fact that we are starting to take our political rancor at par while painting our political adversaries as enemies. A mounting contempt filters our personal view of the news, while suspicion of conspiracy generates a sense of cynicism, a cynicism that I fear might soon metastasize to violence if we don't lighten-up.

I can imagine the following Thanksgiving scenario.

I heard from my Aunt Rachel, that my cousin Ray, who is to the right of a young King Lear politically, was invited to Thanksgiving dinner, and she warned me not to provoke him.

At no extra cost, Aunt Rachel cautioned that my cousin Lem, who is to the left of Timothy Leary politically, was also invited to Thanksgiving dinner, and she warned me not to provoke him.

Well, Aunt Rachel's cautions were for naught, because cousins Ray & Lem started right in without any provocation from anybody, with Lem getting his shovel in first.

"So, Cousin Ray, how's this American monarchy working out for you?"

"Well, Cousin Lem, I do say it beats your American anarchy like a drum."

Aunt Rachel tried to interrupt, "Boys, please pass the gravy!" But she was too late.

Cousin Lem put his hand on his steak knife, and though there was no steak to be had, he said in his soft, silky way, "You know, Cousin Ray, oligarchy begets autocracy."

Cousin Ray placed his hand on his steak knife and raised the decimal level a bit with his riposte.

"Yes, Cousin Lem, just as socialism begets communism."

Again Aunt Rachel tried to intercede, "Boys, please pass the stuffings." But it did no good, for they were back at it.

"So, Cousin Ray, how did someone to the right of Henry VIII acquire an invitation to this fine family gathering, anyways?"

"Well, Cousin Lem, it beats me how somebody left of a Sandinista Rebel could wangle an invitation to this fine family gathering."

Aunt Rachel interjected, "Boys, please, how 'bout them Niners?!"

"Yeah!" shouted Cousin Lem, "Lets talk about the champion of mistreated minorities, Kaepernick!"

"Not on your life!" shouted Cousin Ray. "Kaepernick is a turncoat!"

At this juncture, Aunt Rachel started fanning herself profusely.

A biscuit whizzed past my nose, and this brought Uncle Ralph into the fray. Uncle Ralph is a man of few words, but his few words are always weighed and measured before leaving his presence.

"Boys, imagine for a moment, if you will, what that first harvest must have been like for those starving Americans. We are honoring here, with a sense of grateful remembrance, those surviving Pilgrims and Native Americans. Now clam-up before I brain the two of yous and send the both of yous down the coal shoot into the basement, and keep you there 'til you remember how thankful we are to be Americans!"

The table got quiet and Aunt Rachel smiled a smile of satisfaction as she passed the mashed potatoes.

— For more than 30 years, in over 4,000 performances from Leningrad University in Russia to Piper’s Opera House in Virginia City, columnist and Chautauquan McAvoy Layne has been dedicated to preserving the wit and wisdom of “The Wild Humorist of the Pacific Slope,” Mark Twain. As Layne puts it: “It’s like being a Monday through Friday preacher, whose sermon, though not reverently pious, is fervently American.”