What Works: Fiercely independent? Here’s how to ask for help

I have been described as fiercely independent. For years, I have forged my own path — proudly so. I’d tap by feet along to anthems for independent women and cheer myself on. My independence became a badge of honor. And why shouldn’t it be? It was hard one. In some ways, I had to battle for it. But being solo also had a side effect, I struggled in asking for help. “I can do it” became a mantra for me. When I had a short fall, I would hide it instead of asking for support. In business, you see it happening as siloing.

Have you heard this from your team? (Or within yourself)

Our department knows this best, so we will just handle it.
I’m in charge of this team, let me go into my office to think of a solution.
I know I’m missing something important, but I can’t let the team know.
I should know how to do this. I’m just going to jump from the building and build my wings on the way down.

This is a behavior I call independent isolation. You should know how to do something. You should have the appropriate tool. You should have the answer. What will others think if you don’t? Independent isolation is the culprit of siloing in companies, where the right hand doesn’t know what the left hand is doing. It’s the reason team members cover versus having accountability to their mistakes.

If you are spotting this in yourself or in your team, here’s how to ask for help.

Admit what you don’t know: This can be hard, especially if you are the leader or are supposed to be the expert. Keep this in mind. Experts are experts because they had teachers. They did research. They recognized when they had questions and they turned to trusted advisors and research for the answers. There’s a terrible phrase passing around our culture to “wing it” or “fake it until you make it.”

How about this instead? Step fully into what you don’t know with a curious heart and be willing to ask for help in understanding it. Be honest if it’s not your thing.

Admit that its easier for a team to do the heavy lifting versus one person: A team approach gets a job done faster, if the team stays on course. If you want to put a rowboat into Lake Tahoe, you could drag the boat across the sand to the shore, hop in the boat, and row alone. Or, you can take one or two others, lighten the load so you don’t have to drag the boat, and make form an easy row across the lake. In a team with a clear project plan, you can get more done, easily, in less time.

Be gentle with yourself and your mistakes, everyone makes them: Mistake guilt happens. You messed up. Ok. It looks better when you come forward and humbly admit your mistake instead of trying to hide it. An apology and a solution can go a long way. This applies in business and in life. Getting into this habit of admitting your mistakes may not be easy. You may be so independent that you’ve been shining things up for a long time. Start small and practice. You will notice your anxiety decrease with every apology/solution combo you deliver.

Know that its ok not to know and not to be the only doer: This goes hand in hand with #2. It is easier to work in a team. But there’s a fear to address underneath the “I’ve got it” attitude. It’s this. “I’ve got it because I’ve been dropped before.” This is almost a form of trauma. You’ve been burned before. Maybe you asked someone to do something and they blew a deadline. Or, you assigned something and when you got it back, it was wrong. This comes down to training.

That’s right Mr./Ms. Independent. Training is your responsibility if you don’t want to go it alone. Training and communication are the two warriors that help you not be the only doer. Have you heard of a train the trainer model? How about one-to-many communication? Both methods reduce the workload by training it out. A well-trained team is integrated. No one person is the “doer.” This decreases stress and bonds the team – so it reduces turnover as well.

Breathe deeply and ask: So, you academically know 1-4. But do you practice it? What you know may not necessarily be what you do. To transform knowing to doing, breathe deeply and ask for what you need. You will be stunned how often you get it!

It’s Independence Day week. It’s a short work week with a lot to accomplish. Business doesn’t stop just because a holiday is around the corner. So, my challenge to you all is to ask yourselves, “Am I trying to be too independent? Do I need to ask for help?” Read over the list and try just one strategy to create a micro-team for yourself. Wage war against independent isolation.

Your independence will be intact. I promise. Happy 4th of July!

ABOUT DIANE DYE HANSEN
Diane Dye Hansen has more than 20 years of experience in communication and change management gained in the sectors of government, non-profit, healthcare, publishing, advertising, entertainment, and technology. Her Critical Opportunity Theory helps organizations and leaders turn challenge into opportunity through proper leadership and team communication.

She is the president and founder of What Works Consultants, Inc., a consulting firm which helps business leaders communicate when communication is hard. This is done through research, strategic communication planning, change management consulting, customer success consulting, and training. She is a columnist on CarsonNow.org. To meet her and learn how she and her team can help your company, visit What Works Consultants, Inc. online at www.whatworksconsultants.com.