Pine Nuts with McAvoy Layne: Short conversation between mother and high school son
The following is a short conversation between a mother and her high school son.
"Mom, does character matter so much in a high school volleyball coach?"
"Of course it does, Honey, why would you ask?"
"Well, Coach seems to have some…some mess-ups."
"Like what, Honey?"
"Well, for one, when I opened up my science book before practice today, Coach took it, held it up and announced to the team, 'It's fake.' Then he handed it back to me and laughed."
"He did that?"
"Yes, and that's not all."
"There's more?"
"Well, if you want to know, Mom, Coach is married."
"Yes, I know he's married. What has that got to do with anything?"
"Well then, why does he drive off with Snuffy's mom whenever Snuffy spends the weekend with his dad?"
"He does that?"
"Yeah, and you know that bake sale we sponsored for the team last week?"
"Yes, the bake sale was a big success."
"Well, Johnny's mother told Johnny that Coach took some money they raised from that bake sale and bought himself a brand new pair of Nike LeBrons."
"Johnny's mother said that?"
"Yup, and that's not all."
"What more could there possibly be?"
"You know that volleyball school Coach started last year?"
"Yes, a successful venture I've been told, Volleyball U."
"Well, Volleyball U has folded, and Coach has to pay a humongous fine for fraud."
"Oh my, your father's not going to like to hear that."
"Why can't we get rid of Coach, Mom, and why does Dad even care about Coach, anyways?"
"Coach wins games, Honey. Your dad and his friends bet on those games, and Coach has been making some easy money for your father. Coach could do just about anything objectionable I suppose, and your father and his friends would never ask him to leave."
"Mom, what would happen, if like somebody like Coach ever became President of the United States?"
"That could never happen, Honey. But if it ever did happen, that would be cause for alarm, alarm for the fate of the Republic. But now here's the important question, what would you like for dinner?"
— For more than 30 years, in over 4,000 performances, columnist and Chautauquan McAvoy Layne has been dedicated to preserving the wit and wisdom of “The Wild Humorist of the Pacific Slope,” Mark Twain. As Layne puts it: “It’s like being a Monday through Friday preacher, whose sermon, though not reverently pious, is fervently American.”